Dispatches From the VELVEETA® Nation

This stuff is LITERALLY rotten and still tastes better than VELVEETA®

Did you know that the Chinese HATE milk? As a culture, they just aren’t into the stuff, they would rather eat tofu that’s been submerged in rotting vegetable matter than take a sip from a cow’s teet. Culturally, this is due to a perception about milk being unclean (when you think about it, you ARE drinking the homemade PEDIALITE® of a cow’s mammary glands so maybe they are on to something). I do feel lucky though, because I was born into a culture that values milk, and by extension cheese. Cheese is surely one of the best things about western civilization, because it’s just cheese, and it can’t bomb anyone! It is just too bad we have a habit of pasteurizing all our dairy products.

Pasteurization is when you heat something, in this case milk, to a certain temperature to reduce the potential for pathogens which might prematurely sour the food and make people sick. It’s actually a very useful thing because it prevents many people from getting sick every year. Hooray public health! We can all drink as much NESQUIK® flavored milk product as we want and never worry about being infected by that killer e-coli stuff that 20/20 tells me about all the time, on television. You may have heard Europe is having one of these e-coli problems right now, which means it’s an excellent time for people to write opinions on the subject for the famous gossip blog site CNN.com. Alex B. Berezow, an actual scientist writes:

(CNN) — The strain of E. coli that has killed at least 25 people and sickened more than 2,600 others in Europe is a terrifying reminder that killer microbes lurk in places where we least expect them. Though it is not a reason to panic, this incident should force us to rethink some important food safety issues.

One good place to start would be to completely ban the sale of raw milk and juice.

Jesus Christ, no. This is why we can’t have nice things— like cheese and milk that don’t taste like cardboard. Instead of actually thinking about regulating the production of sensitive products effectively, let’s just ban them altogether, because of Europe! I think we should ban cows altogether because they fart all over the place and ruin the climate and also they make you fat. Aren’t obesity and cow farts a more important public health concern than raw milk? Apparently not.

Excrement on noodles

Berezow is an actual PHD, which is strange because I didn’t think they let people with specialized knowledge anywhere near a newsroom these days. And while I certainly have respect for his credentials, I can’t for the life of me understand why this piece exists. First, getting unpasteurized milk and cheese in this country is already damn near impossible, and as he notes, regulations are already in place to keep the dirty cow juice from crossing state lines. It’s just bizarre that the European e-coli crisis, (which is still a mystery), would prompt someone in the US to want to CLAMP DOWN on that disgusting un-boiled cow milk which is already almost impossible to get in the land of the free.

The Europeans actually have excellent regulations regarding raw-milk, many producers are required to wear the equivalent of a milk haz-mat suit while juicing the cow. Because of these regulations, cheese in France actually has a taste. That’s what they don’t tell you about pasteurization— it makes cheese taste pretty blah, it’s sort of like ordering a plain pizza from DOMINOS® instead of the MEAT LOVERS PIZZA® with extra VELVEETA®. It’s just not as good! Of course, it would be silly to suggest that we stop pasteurizing everything. Knowing how American dairy production works, were we to stop pasteurizing everything, %90 of America would be dead in 30 days because of all the cow shit and dead rats that would never be boiled away by the ghost of Louis Pasteur.

Pour some VELVEETA® on it!

If any of you doubt the glory of unpasteurized cheese, take a trip to your local farmers market and TRY to find something unpasteurized, trust me. Or you could just melt a block of VELVEETA® onto a plate full of saltenes and call it dinner, either way.